Archive for Oktober 2011

I admit, once in a while i have „suicidal“ thoughts. In the past then i laid down and thought a lot. Dark stuff, like I should have done things different, but now its too late. Storys where people were mean to me, where I got heartbroken, and so. This could go on for weeks, just crying and so on, trying to die. Then I somehow got up again, and just forgot about it. But it was never solved.

So, samarpan says, just feel the pain, the feelings, the old feelings that are still there. But don’t think about it. Don’t get into it, don’t feed the storys.

Recently I did that. I felt paralyzed, sad to death and so on. So I looked that in the eye, which was hard, but in a way “alive”, real. Also I felt the body sensations which came with it.

Later the thoughts came in… The old story about school, first love, being rejected, its always the same. And I this time could see that its always the same.

Then came “get your gun out and shoot yourself”. The image of me holding it against my head, old image too. I tried to cry, but it wasn’t enough drama. So my mind tried to find more depressing storys from the past in which I could indulge more for the final breakdown. But it wasn’t real, it wasn’t authentic, it was old. Vicious yes, but only, if I gave it my attention. So I didn’t. And then after a while it disappeared again, bored. 😉

But I could see the danger clearly. If you give it your attention and energy, if you go with these dark thoughts, they got you, youre caught. And only then its possible that you could go and really do sth. to your body. If you stay with whats real, really nothing can happen. So this is my message to you. Stay out of your head/ mind if youre depressed. No good place.

Once the dalai lama told a story about a man who wanted to kill himself. But then he went outside and drank a whole bottle of wine. He forgot about what he wanted to do, and so he just went home again. 😉 its really that easy. Just forget about this stupid idea and thoughts and focus on sth. else. Like drink, eat, anything.

So, yes, maybe youre lonely, yes, maybe you don’t have a job, yes, maybe you are sick. These are the facts. But stay with whats real, don’t get into a dramatic story, that you cant take it anymore. You can. Always, its never too much really. Just stay right here.

And remember: you cant die anyway. If you destroy this body, you are still there. It doesn’t solve anything. 😉


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